This is not the first blog that I've started. I've realized that I just don't give a damn about the other things that I was trying to blog about. So this blog is going to be everything, anything whatever I feel like writing about or saying. I'm going to be honest. If you don't like what i'm writing, feel free to click the exit button or move to some other blog, but this is clearly not about the people who are going to be reading. This is about me, my thoughts, my feelings...honestly and openly. So deal with it. I think it will be useful to blog about what is happening in my life so I can sort some things out or perhaps see things in a new light. 
"No sooner met but they looked;
no sooner looked but they loved;
no sooner loved but they sighed;
no sooner sighed but they asked one another the reason;
no sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy."
(As You Like It, William Shakespeare)
As you have probably noticed by now, I love Shakespeare and really feel that his writing is completely valid today, that the sentiments and thoughts within his plays and sonnets ring true. Hence, the sort of thing described in the above quote from As You Like It has been on my mind frequently of late. I have been single since this past July (almost nine months now) and the relationship that ended in July was definitely the worst one I have ever been in. He was very mentally and emotionally abusive, and I have been on my own since then because of how things happened and ended (not well). Before I go any farther, let me be clear about something. I do not see myself as a victim, nor would I like others to identify me this way. I realize that I was an active participant in a toxic relationship, and that taking myself out of the equation was the only way to make my life better. And that is what I have done. However, now, I feel like there is something completely wrong with me when it comes to the opposite sex. I feel like I've just lost my fire, the inner light that I used to attract guys before I was in this negative relationship.
I suppose that it would serve well to explain what happened in said relationship, or at least to give a general idea. He had been raised in a very turbulent household, and that definitely skewed his view of the world and his understanding of people and relationships. His mother and father communicated by screaming at each other (much to my awkward and uncomfortable chagrin on many occasions) and so he didn't know any other way to communicate when something was not alright. He turned this on me more than once and that is definitely not how I operate. This is only one of the many things that was going on in that relationship, but trust me when I say it was not good. I feel like now that I am out of that situation and have been working on moving away from it, something is wrong with me. Something is...broken. That's the only way I can explain it. I have no idea how to meet or start dating a guy, no idea how to communicate. And I don't know if the problem is always me but I sure as hell think and feel it is. I don't know what to do. As much as I feel that I'm broken and don't know how to operate in a relationship, i'm incredibly lonely and just want to be validated and appreciated by someone. I've always been a pretty independent person, so this fairly recent need for validation really hits me in a sore spot.
Right now I am unsure of how to act without being reckless, but my need for validation is just so strong. I don't know how to deal with this at all.
